Slave Keepmekept

It is funny how what is normal becomes comfortable, and how innocently something can become normal.  I think about how long Goddess has kept me locked and denied and the absolute uncertainty of how long it will last.  I think about how dramatic pleas for release in my mind have subsided under protest from my shrinking control of the situation.  Today I am thinking about how normal it feels to be locked.  Alarmingly I am reminded that things that are not normal take on a perception of being uncomfortable in your head.  I have a front row seat to a new normal forming, and it makes me scream inside....sinking further...hoping to cum...realizing I have zero control over it....terrified cumming will become so unfamiliar and abnoramal that my mind turns away from it.

I have told Goddess there is a new feeling inside me I have never felt before, and it has come with being locked this long.  I am not sure I can explain it, but I was thinking about it laying in bed this morning throbbing in the cage.

It is as if there are two parts of my brain, watching my body fall further every day, overrun with lust.  At a basic level sexual thoughts dominate my mind all the time.  One side of my mind protests, screams that I need to cum, need to beg and pout and focus on how horny I am.  The other side it seems is falling with my body, but not overrun with lust...it is full of thoughts of compliance, obedience, just surrendering more and forgetting about being horny and wanting to cum.  It is focused on everything the opposite of what is in my own best selfish interest, and the horny part of my brain is screaming at it, poking it asking what the fuck its problem is and why it is doing what it is doing.  What all this amonts to is a complete deadlock in my brain, an impass.  The feeling is control at a cerebral level changing...slipping away.  Indecison on my own sexual or personal interests.  If Goddess were to thow me the keys to my cage and say "I don't care, you can cum if you want"  I honestly have no idea what I would do.  That is the feeling...which part of the brain would win?  Mmmmm, neither...which would result in inaction, which would result in Her affirming to me I apparently can't make that decision without Her, and one side of me screams inside while the other is nourished.  What was perhaps an 80/20 split dominated by self fulfilment has shifted, and it will keep shifting.  The question is how much...

Another week locked has gone by and at this point I have never in my life gone this long without stroking my cock.  The other day when I unlocked and did my weekly cleaning and shaving I was thinking about how it would be so easy to cheat, stroke, even cum.  As the razor gently glided up my cock and over my balls I realized I wasn't getting hard.  The sensations of the razor on my deprived cock sent tingles through my body.  I wondered why I had no desire to cheat, make myself explode right there, why my cock wasn't hard in anticipation.  I realized the situation was bigger than I can control, the lust bigger than I can release, and my foggy mind couldn't make a stand for its own selfish pleasure.  Minutes later I was back in the cage, which felt more normal than being out.  I feel myself falling harder, hornier by the hour, and don't even want to sneak off and take the edge away...my body will get to the point where it can't without Goddess, and that device is a fixture now, a normal...constant, part of me and my place with Her.  Something I can't imagine changing without Her.

Goddess and I discussed I have been locked in chastity for about a month, three weeks under Her control.  She has a way of making me feel proud and satisfied with my extreme sexual frustration, and making it clear I am in the dark as to how long that will continue without relief.  She hears my comments to Her about it, but holds me firm to my commitment to Her, and Her commitment to keeping me where She wants me.  My denial has grown to a point sometimes I literally don't know how it can continue to build, and Her perfect answer is that I need it, need to be pushed, and that She will take me there.

Goddess' presence in my body continues to grow and I feel my thoughts and processes changing....being modified.  Having kept me locked constantly since we met, there is a lust and energy inside me so strong and compelling that I literally can't process it.  I don't know what to do with it, so I have found surrendering to it is the only thing that maintains my sanity.  Giving in and letting go gives that energy another place to go, as all my internal places are full. 

I found this site by accident basically and have to say it was a little confusing to get it figured out.  I am well versed in D/s and have always been a sub.  My expectations were low, but something amazing has happened.  1GoddessBossy reached out to me and I could immediatelty sense She was genuine and real.  Messages turned into direction, which has swiftly turned into ownership.  I am lucky, and look forward to opening up to Her more and serving Her deeper as She desires.