Slave MarsRaven

The Fun of a Challenge

I am a competitive person. Put a challenge in front of me or a new skill to learn and master and I'm there. It doesn't matter how important or how trivial, if there is something to figure out, I will figure it out. At parties, I'm with the guys who are trying to figure out the dumbest skills and master them; like toss a ball up and see who can spin the most before catching it, or see who can juggle while riding these kid scooters. Skills that really doesn't matter in life, but you'd better believe I'm going to master it at that party. 

This attitude is clearly present in BDSM for me. If there is an element of the task that requires some skill I haven't yet figured out, it's like a switch flicks in my head and that skill is the new mountain to conquer. Admittedly I did notice this before diving deeper into this world via this website. From a site called Milovana I found cock sucking instructional teases. I gagged if I ever tried to even get close to deepthroating. Obviously this is just a skill thing. It can be done. People even swallow swords in the circus right!? To be blunt, I have no interest in sucking a real cock, but I'll be damned if I cannot figure out how to deepthroat this dildo. It took a while, but eventually I figured it out. Still gag, but I was able to do it.

For me, conquering the challenge, learning the new skill, mastering an art: that is the element of fun in everything. Whether it's work, sports, hobbies, or femdom on here, the fun stems from that satisfaction or thrill from conquering the challenge in front of me. I think this is true not just for me, but for everyone. I've read somewhere that the way to really enjoy life, to make it last is to always be learning new skills. There is something in the brain that slows down time. Without that challenge of learning new skills, people tend to just pass through life and it passes them by quickly. Life is far more fun when you are learning new things and taking on challenges.

Key Takeaways from Day Four:

None expected with the fourth of July.

Importance of the Finding the Right People

I always enjoy seeing someone who takes pride in their work and are exceptional at what they do--it doesn't matter what it is--if they are good at it, it both fun to watch and I admire them. I once had a garbage man who without losing any efficiency (compared with others I'd seen), dance around his truck collecting our bins and doing tricks with them before setting them down, hopping back in, and driving off.

I am not an exceptional man. At best, I am slightly above average in many things. Most of my success in life is derived from my ability to identify and surround myself with people who take pride in their work and are exceptional at what they do.

Fortunately, I have found someone who is a pro at what she does and is able to put on different personas. She has more knowledge of the kink world than I and is able to guide me on this journey of exploration. I could tell she was a pro even if I didn't necessarily really enjoy the first session with her, but we discussed what was enjoyable and what wasn't and she took on a totally different persona for session two, which scratched the "fun femdom" itch. I'm sure the ideal for me is somewhere between the two personas and the more trust and respect is established, the closer to the "mean dominatrix persona" I'll be able to enjoy. 

Key Takeaways from Day Three:
Punishments can be fun. Painful, but fun.

Unfortunately, when I went to post what I had written up, the website posted a message that I had been logged out. 

Clunky Beginnings

Whenever one dives into a new realm of exploration, they are often overwhelmed by the sheer vastness. Kink is no different. Saying one is into kink is akin to someone saying "I like hobbies" when asked how they spend their freetime. Even narrowing it down to Femdom is still too massive a category for someone to be "into femdom." The more I wade into the world of BDSM and Femdom in a more tangible way, the more vast each category becomes. Even "humiliation" must be narrowed down. There are aspects of humiliation I enjoy and aspects I've found are not as enjoyable. And just as with normal encounters, encounters in this world require communication and mutual respect for the enjoyment of all. One can never be 100% certain whether they enjoy something or not until they've tried it; and sometimes after trying it, you find you do not enjoy it. Great. Discuss. Move on.

I have found after a few sessions that I enjoy a more playful mood. Ultimately I am doing this for fun--pleasure too, but fun is just a different aspect of pleasure. Why does anyone choose to do anything? So while I have found I enjoy humiliation, it must be clear that it is done in a playful or lighthearted way for me to enjoy it. A sort of humiliation that I can join in on in a self-deprecating sort of way. And while I have enjoyed watching some videos where the actress puts on more of a "mean spirited face," I have found that isn't the sort of degradation/humiliation I enjoy. At least not yet. Perhaps that sort of persona would be more enjoyable to me with one of my regular real life encounters where there is history of mutual trust and respect. But I found it difficult without that background, for the "mean persona" not to just come across as antagonistic and off putting; because, quite frankly, until someone has proven themselves to me, their opinions mean jack-squat to me. I don't care about them, they don't care about me. 

Key Takeaways from Day Two:

Even though Mistress has what I would describe as a very spankable backside, that is something I can only dream of doing. If I am good and if I am lucky, I might be allowed to smell or lick it, but never touch it.

I am not left handed (this is something I've always known, but it was a fun confirmation).

Mistress is clearly a professional both inside and outside of kink.

Conveying an idea from one mind to others using only words on a page requires context. Many books are written to convey simple concepts. Typically journals are private matters so context isn't required: I know my thoughts, I've lived my life, I've experienced what I've experienced. Anybody reading diary has not. So a public diary must take on a difference nature than a private journal.

So buckle up and strap in (or 'on' as may be more appropriate on this website) for context!

Germans and the Financial Crisis

What the heck does Germany and the global financial crisis that happened while we were in highschool have to do with a slave diary!? It goes back to an Anthropologist named Alan Dundes who specialized in german folklore. He noticed an extraordinary number of texts concerned with anality. Scheisse (shit), Dreck (dirt), Mist (manure), Arsch (ass)... folksongs folktales, proverbs, riddles, folk speec--all to attest to the German's longstanding special interest in this area of human activity." 

He then goes on to provide ample evidence with the German's fascination with filth. It's important to note here that the German's fascination is with filth at a distance. Germans, Dundes suggests, share a public abhorrence of filth that masked a private obsession. "The combination of clean and dirty: Clean exterior-dirty interior, or clean form and dirty content--is very much a part of the German national character."

As Michael Lewis wrote in boomerange:
"The Hamburg red-light district had caught Dundes’s eye because the locals made such a big deal of mud-wrestling. Naked women fought in a metaphorical ring of filth while the spectators wore plastic caps, a sort of head condom, to avoid being splattered. “Thus,” wrote Dundes, “the audience can remain clean while enjoying dirt!” Germans longed to be near the shit, but not in it. This, as it turns out, was an excellent description of their role in the current financial crisis."

There is a ton more that can be expanded, but Lewis takes Dundes' characterization of Germans and shows how it translated to their part in the global financial crisis. They always wanted to stay clean, but be near the filth. Which is why they could always be found lingering at the edges whenever a nation was dire financial trouble.

Wading into the filth

I grew up part of a society that much like the Germans kept everything neat and clean. Everything had it's place. Everyone had a certain decorum to keep up in public. There is a proper way to go about things. But like the Germans, I've had a foggy fascination with societal taboos. Clean on the outside, dirty mind on the inside. Secret fantasies, that until now, I've never acted on.

But these fantasies will always remain generic, obscured, foggy from a distance. Clarity comes with proximity. One cannot be certain what they really want until they experience some of the "filth."

Future Entries
Any future entries will likely expound on the clarity I am getting as I wade into the muddy arena. "filth" as I'm using and will be using it in these journals is not mud, or scat, or other actual filth (I genuinely have no interest in actual filth--I'm a bit OCD on that front), it's more the societal taboos that we all enjoy on this site. With increased proximity to the filth I hope to gain clarity on what draws me towards it.

Exploring is exciting. Learning is exciting. This is exciting.